david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
