Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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