Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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