His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
