We're like a lot better than the average bears
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
