Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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