it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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