Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
