i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
