I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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