i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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