Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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