Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
