You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
