Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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