the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Sober January is a disaster.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
