I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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