ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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