Can Purell be used as lube?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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