i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
