I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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