My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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