I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize