your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
