she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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