theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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