So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
