Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
