I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
