So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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