remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Watching her eat just hurts me
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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