so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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