i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
