u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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