i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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