i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize