I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
