Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
