my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
