is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
