Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
