It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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