how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
