I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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