Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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