just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Houston, we have a squirter
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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