I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the day after is always just damage control
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
