I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We are two peas in an std pod
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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