I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
