i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
