What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
