i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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