Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize