watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
