noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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