I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
