It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
