You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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