The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
