if only i could text you this smell
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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