May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
