I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
