You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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